desire I wanna turn into you

notes on wanting

“Lord, grant that I may always desire more than I can accomplish” -Michelangelo

There are people for whom desire is a renewable resource, an ongoing process of having and being desired. You walk the balance of the two, sometimes wanted and sometimes not, until it overlaps and you presumably wind up happily ever after. There are others for whom desire is more of a debt to be collected. You desire and desire and you never get anything back, left with nothing but your own urges. Where is this unanswered desire meant to go? We aren’t meant to build up a bank, are we? Desire is supposed to run its course of burn, salve, and heal.

The burning is the most worthwhile stage. There is such personhood in deep want. It’s embarrassing to be wanting, reaching for something and unsure you’ll ever get it, but far more humiliating to be satiated. I know who I am when I’m frantic and searching, but the waters are murky when I’m settled. Satisfaction shouldn’t be a final destination, it should exist as a raft to recharge and replenish between deep and unrelenting hunger. I wonder sometimes if it is the thing that most defines a person.

After you burn, you require the salve. Tearstained cheeks can be saved by a pint of ice cream. Stagnation at work can be saved by suddenly moving abroad. Sexually, it can look like many things: Prostitution, pornography, getting really into the golf channel. If you’re lucky though, the fix for your desire is the very thing you’d wanted all along (the dog catches the car, the guy gets the girl, etc). Regardless of the release, what you apply to your burn will only ever serve as a temporary fix. As long as you are on this earth your eyes will watch the horizon. If it’s a new car, a better sense of self, a satisfying one night stand it doesn’t matter: there will always be something out there that makes you burn.

When I was fifteen I stopped all my extracurriculars. No more dance class, no more voice lessons. No more acting. I could no longer stare myself down in the mirror. Decisions of any kind were paralyzing, and questions were often met with the answers ‘I don’t know’ and ‘I don’t care’. What could desire mean to me then? It was a little death, this drought. Wanting something means you’re alive. A person without desire is like a fish without fins. Desire is a vehicle that takes you where you want to go. It’s the motivator that leads you from one place to the next. Otherwise you’re just sitting in a car without gas on an open road.

My life felt like it was at a standstill. I was this curious person with passion in every direction and suddenly someone turned off the taps. I spent years feeling trapped by it, but by the time I made it to the other side I was better for it. You have these rainy days so you know what the sun is like. You have days where you hide from the light, and days where it burns your skin. I’ll never take those little sparks for granted.

I wield that spark like a sword and threaten myself with it. I climb its back as it runs to the ends of the earth for me. I do not always know, but I want. I want, I want, I want.

xo,

Julianna